Rugby Scrum Dance for Divorced and Disabused Wedding Guests


Rugby SCRUM* DANCE for Divorced and Dis-abused Wedding Guests
 
(Packs made up of eight « players » (see note below) may be formed indifferently : either segregate the sexes or mix them up. No sweat ! Only keep children away !)
 
First Half
 
Step up
Both parties, now
Take two steps forward
Crouch – Pause – Engage
Lock jaws, crush noses, twist mouths, stick tongue in eyes
Chew tufts of ear and eye haïr, straggling locks and stubborn  
                                                                                  cowlicks
Spit putrid saliva into slobbering teary-sweaty faces
Crush toes under boots, judo-kick ankles and, if possible, necks
Watch the three heads stuck between first-row thighs
Aim kick to upturn canines
 
Let not number 8 make as if s/he was kept out of pack
Hooker ! Reach out with your you-know-what
And tickle fancies
 
Watch both scrum-halves wheedle legs between legs with number 8s
Aim side-kicks to tumble them down flat on face
 
Now inhale long arm-pit fragrance
And expel into snorting nostrils
 
Hey ! Cut that exhaust fuming out back there, you 8s !
 
Exert pressure with cheeks on thighs
Slurp up grass and worm-eaten soil
With every boot-kick to resist head-on-shoulder thrust
Stay put
            Hold breath
 
Second Half
 
While pushing with all one’s might from the thighs upwards
Claw with three fingers : one in ears, the other in mouths and the third in either of the eyes (best when nails have not been cut for three weeks or more)
 In fact, claw at anything that présents a bulbous jelly-like  
             substance
Those gasping for breath in the rear of the pack have to content themselves breathing in spent jettisoned shafts of air forced out by tremendous thrusts
 
Take two steps to the right and then to the left
Go back a bit once this way
         and then the other
Now turn the packs around : once, twice, thrice
 
Ladies ! Please !
Dig high heels in hookers’ rumps
 
Riggle
Wiggle waggle chops
Let paps hang loose and dangle dangle over men’s knees
 
Hold on to any protruding thing !
 
Over-Time
 
Wheel around sideways thrice
Stop !
Take a deep breath
Then wheel around and around holding fast to the next player’s
                shorts
Stick tongues out and gasp for breath
Wag chins from side to side jammed to opponents’ faces
 
If this doesn’t work
Bite ears
If this doesn’t still work
Try tickling wet torsoes with sticky palms
If this too doesn’t work
Ladies ! Burp three times in men’s faces
And if even this doesn’t work
Stand up and fall backwards (if you can)
 
This – sure as hell – will work !
 
End of Game
 
 
 
·      Certain infringements of the rules in the game can give rise to the SCRUM which is yet another way to re-start the game. The scrum is formed with eight players from each side. The players come together in a crouching position by interlocking arms and has the following formation : 3-4-1. The referee calls out : « Crouch – Pause – Engage ! », and the two eights of each side ram into each other head on ! The scrum half – the player who stands outside – then rolls the ball into the tunnel formed by the opposing players. The scrum players then try to get possession of the ball with their legs.
 
© T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013

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